You Ever Feel Like You Just Ruined Everything?

That’s exactly what I’m feeling right now.

Like I just completely ran after a vision without truly thinking about the repercussions of my actions.

The only thing I can claim is that…I completely acted out of faith.

Faith that something beautiful would blossom from this act of bravery… which now is starting to seem like an act of stupidity.

But if I’m honest… I’m always acting out of stupidity… need I remind myself how I moved into a more expensive HOUSE last year while bringing in HALF my original income? (Due to the pandemic starting) and that act of faith actually brought me much needed peace and joy in the end!

So that’s what I’m trying to tell myself now… that this act of stupidity really is bravery and that it will pay off in the end…

But as long as we’re being honest here, it absolutely doesn’t feel like bravery any longer. It actually feels incredibly scary and like I just turned my life upside down.

People all around think I’m brave for just winging it and they wish they could be like me… and just get up and leave an entire impacting chapter of their lives like I do.

But I say… really think about that.

Yeah, it might seem cool to see someone who constantly flies by the seat of their pants in life, winging it every step of the way and just having faith that you can step off a cliff into a deep dark abyss and know that God will build a road out of nowhere right beneath your feet…

But is that REALLY something you want to be burdened with your whole life? Living your whole life based off of a knowing?

It’s not as easy as it looks.

And even though I’ve spent a great deal of my life taking one leap of faith after another, it still never gets easier. Especially as the leaps get larger!

The leap I’m taking now makes every other leap in my life look like skips! lol

…I don’t know why I was so convicted about this dream… to this day I still have no real physical manifestation that what I dreamed… is true. And it’s honestly PAINFUL. That with everything I’ve given up, and had pried from my fingertips…I could very well be wrong.

And I’d have nobody but myself to blame. I blatantly decided to chase a vision I just KNEW was the truth… and you know what’s even worse?

…I STILL believe in it.

I don’t want to anymore honestly… this leap has tested me in ways I STILL can’t believe. I want to turn around now while I can still save some face. It is so scary to be here in this moment, and knowing good and well that this battle is pretty much entirely in my head.

And in reality, I know what this makes me look like…

I know I’m speaking in codes lol and this probably makes sense to no one but me. Maybe one day soon I can speak this entire story without feeling like a blooming idiot… but until then… you’ll just have to deal with this coded lingo.

Or maybe there’s some of you out there getting a calling from God that’s making you take all these gigantic leaps and you know EXACTLY where I’m coming from without even having to know the whole story.

And if you’re in those shoes, I pray the Lord blesses you on your journey. It’s not easy… it’s not.

But anyways… what shall I do? Spend another hour on the swings at the park?…. yeah.

That sounds like fun.

Love you. Mean it!

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