UGH! Talk about a difficult moving weekend!
I’m so glad to be able to say it’s OVER and I am now in my new home. The first few nights my mom ended up staying with me. But now she’s gone back to her place and I have spent the past few days settling into this new neighborhood myself.
It didn’t take long either.
Haa, it had been at least a couple of years since I last really lived “by myself” and I have to admit, that first night was a shock!
It had got so bad til I started having anxiety and crying for a little while. Eventually, I made my way into the shower to wrap up my nightly routine and fell asleep.
I had already gotten adjusted to the noises while I had my mom there, but to hear them while I was by myself was almost like being there the first time again.
I’m not sure why I got so extremely emotional that night. I guess…
I guess I do know why.
In my previous post I kind of dipped into the fact that I come from a narcissistic family. And being tied to them for the past two years really put a damper on my psyche… at least it feels that way.
I think the reason I got so emotional was because it was so quiet. Which is something I wanted right? But when I thought about it, I didn’t want to be surrounded by manipulative and toxic people. And then I started to wonder, what was better?
Being surrounded by lots of arguments and tension? Or being alone with the reality that I basically have to start my friendships from scratch again?
Believe it or not, I almost wanted to go back to the loud, anxiety-inducing household I had become so familiar with. At least I wasn’t alone. I have no idea WHY I was so afraid to be alone. Maybe because I internally felt it was always going to be like this.
I mean, I’m as introverted as they come. But still, there’s a difference between choosing to be alone and HAVING to be alone.
And I guess that night,
I couldn’t decide which hell was better.
I’m glad to say I’m happy I chose to go with the Isolated Hell lol.
Within a couple days after that miserable night, I’ve actually settled in QUITE well. I guess I just had to give myself a little time to get acclimated to a new atmosphere!
The morning after, I got up and turned on some music, and basically had a solo dance party while I unpacked my kitchen, my closet, and my bathroom.
It was the most liberating thing I’ve done in YEARS lol. To be able to hop around and not worry about annoying the neighbors below me. And not to BE annoyed by the wrestling kids of the neighbors ABOVE me. Didn’t have to feel self-conscious that my music was too loud where anybody else could hear me (and be annoyed). Heck, I was even singing my heart out in the shower which is something I haven’t done in a WHILE.
I’ve had a chance to organize my kitchen the way I always wanted even with the few things I had. I love my new space and the way it looks and I plan on decorating it slowly with everything that I love! And I really don’t want to keep anything that doesn’t bring me lots of joy.
I haven’t even gone out and enjoyed my backyard yet lol! In all honesty, I’ve been WAY too exhausted to do so. But I plan on having a nice quarantined solo date night this coming Sunday.
We gotta take a moment to celebrate, right?
Love you. Mean it!