I’m Exhausted.

I think by now, almost everyone and they mama knows about the George Floyd tragedy…

I hadn’t even finished processing the death of Ahmaud before I saw the that petition from change.org hit my inbox. I’ll be honest with you… I didn’t even open it. I mean, I already knew what the bottom line was. Some other harmless black guy is dead… it’s basically a trend at this point.

I went DAYS without looking into the situation and then… finally I did. And I have just been a whirl of emotions ever since. I feel like I can’t contain myself anymore. I can’t have peace. All my inner peace just keeps disappearing the older I get and I just wonder… when?

When do I get to stop feeling self conscious about being black?

Seriously? When I thought about it, I realized how dormant my anger towards racism has been and how “secondary” it has become in my life. To just be so used to being mistreated and misunderstood.

To wake up and have to think FIRST about how others will view me when it comes to how I dress, how I talk, how I think and what I say. Because for me, in MY skin color, dressing, talking, thinking and saying the wrong thing could mean my LIFE.

The fact that black people don’t get a second chance. Black people don’t get to walk away scott-free. But their insane murderers do… and those criminals get the chance to grow…and change their lives.

George had a fake twenty dollar bill…and got shot.

Sandra had landed a new job and got shot.

Michael was about to graduate and got shot.

Tamir could barely get through PUBERTY and got shot.

And Trayvon… it’s sad but he’s the one where all this madness REALLY started. And it’s been an annual trend ever since.

Wh-….why?

Can somebody PLEASE explain to me why dark skin doesn’t matter? Can someone PLEASE look at me… and tell me, why I don’t matter? And why it’s not… good enough?

 

I haven’t felt this broken and defeated in a looooong time. I’ve been having nightmares almost every night.

 

And THEN.

 

Let’s talk about some of these….obviously insensitive comments with some white people telling black people how to feel. Or how to act. A lot of “if ya’ll _____ then you wouldn’t get ______”.

I don’t know if it comes from a place of trolling or genuine concern and help, but I just… please stop.

Let me tell You why that’s tone deaf. At least from my opinion.

 

Whites have always forced their idea of how black people should be since the beginning of this mess. Blacks didn’t have the freedom to be who they were. And if they did exercise that freedom, they got killed for it.

Your sitting there dictating how a black person should or should not be responding is low-key re-enforcing that idea that “white people have to show black people how to be”. At least that’s how it comes across.

As if to say “you are not good at managing yourself, let me tell you how to do it”. NO. I didn’t ask you for a tutorial on how to feel PAIN. I didn’t ask you for your insight to something you most likely can’t even UNDERSTAND from my perspective.

Let your comment be just that… a comment. A suggestion. Do not enforce your idea of what they should be doing just because it’s inconveniencing you.

Honestly, what would really change if we made it convenient? Breonna literally got SHOT in her SLEEP?

How much more convenient can you be? Literally asleep in your bed not bothering anyone!?

Haaaa…. there’s so much to say. And a thousand times more to feel and I’m just sooooo exhausted. I’m drained…

 

I’m done.

 

Love you. Mean it!

0

Leave a Reply