If you grew up in a family with a bunch of Narcs… you already know where I’m coming from.
It’s been a bunch of chaos lately. And I can’t even really explain what is making me explode so much without telling a novel’s worth of back history and personal development on how we all arrived at this point.
But to put it shortly… I feel like the villain.
I’m used to being happy-go-lucky, head-in-the-clouds, obliviously optimistic and believing in fairies and unicorns and let me tell you something…
GOD I wish I could go back to being her!
These past almost two years I’ve spent having my family live with me have just made me SO hardened around the edge, it hurts. I have just gotten to the point where I lack trust and interest in almost everyone.
These days, I feel angry all the time, irritable, impulsive, aggravated, cornered, and not able to breathe!
I feel like all the joy is just constantly zapped out of me. It’s all starting to make feel stone cold and I don’t like that. This is not someone I ever wanted to be!
Sometimes I wonder how could I ever escape this?
If anything, half of my family are the destroyers and the other half (including myself) are the ones being destroyed.
In my opinion (cause they could view this completely different) I feel like I’ve always been a reliable source of support for them. But it’s…almost never been that way for me.
If they can’t “conveniently” help me out, then they won’t help me. But there I was, constantly going into overdraft to help them pay bills, handing my car over while I caught the bus to work and school, giving up my love of peace and tranquility in my OWN HOME so that they all could have a place to sleep…
…I’m moving in two days, and one of my family members just moved out today.
And for some reason, that just enraged me.
It made me furious because… wow. They had absolutely no intention with helping me move to my place? And the only reason that bothers me is because, this SAME family member gave me HELL about coming up to my CURRENT apartment.
It was “inconveniencing” for them to help me move to my first place. Even when I told them, and begged them to come just to chill out. For I wanted to still strengthen my relationship with this family member (I was still dumb as shit). I had crocheted them a hat, I wanted them to come watch a movie and eat pizza and, you know? Celebrate!?
And… they said no.
They didn’t come to my house warming party for my apartment. I didn’t even get a gift or card or anything. And even when I moved in, they still never wanted to come over or hang out.
But then! This family member had an emergency! That’s how I got them to come over.
And then! They had another one! When they were being evicted, that’s when they needed me. (but when I was facing an eviction lol, this family member was nowhere to be found…)
And then they got here, and for at LEAST a year… basically took over my household along with two other family members.
They never left!
Talk about FREE LOADING! This family member was able to have MY HOME to themselves for an ENTIRE WEEK while I went on a trip to Ohio to visit some more family. This family member NEVER leaves my house. NEVER. I would literally have to light FIRE under them to get them to be considerate enough to give me a few hours of peace and quiet in my own home.
When they got up and got a moving truck (that I also needed but couldn’t afford, mind you. But they didn’t know that… didn’t even ask, and I didn’t know they were moving. I thought they would be here to help… my mistake) and basically hauled ass two days before I was also to move… that just really upset me.
Because AGAIN… again, this family member just can’t find it in them to be their for anybody else but themselves unless it’s “convenient”. Unless they get some kind of notoriety or a way to hold something over somebody else’s head.
This family member probably didn’t want to see my new house, let’s be honest. They’ve been challenging me since I landed on this planet and I’m not sure why. Up until these recent couple of years, I’ve always been fighting for this family member.
I am very family oriented.
Which probably has a lot to do with why I always let them walk all over me. Harmony and having a loving family is really important to me.
So of course, I forgave them and overlooked their manipulation constantly because I just didn’t want to be… family-less.
But, here I am, feeling fucking family-less. Except now, I’ve wasted a good decade of my life fighting for something that was never gonna come true.
Ya’ll, I’m tired of being manipulated.
I’m tired of having all of my love just… WASTED.
And it’s things like this, it’s people like these that make people not want to love anymore. They withdraw and withhold and make life HELL for the people that come along. The trusting issues that come out of this really SUCK, especially when you start to meet people who genuinely love you.
It’s pretty much gotten to a point where I don’t know if I can tell the difference! Do people like me? Or is it just yet another manipulator? So just… avoid them all!
And that’s where I get caught up. Because I care a lot about people. I don’t want to stop loving people and showing them how much I care. Truth be told, I draw a lot of joy out of sharing my love with people. It makes me feel whole!
The problem is… I need to find better people to love.
This family member? Well, they will probably be good for somebody else, but they’re not for me. Yeah, I give up. I don’t feel guilty anymore for cutting away from all of these toxic relationships. This time around I promise, I really did everything I could.
And it’s only made me more cynical in the process. That’s not the route I’m trying to go soooo… changes must be made.
All the best. And I hope whatever they were able to build up while they freeloaded on me stays in tact. Because we won’t be doing this again. I can’t. I just can’t.
BTW I know these recent posts here lately have just been a lot of jibber jabber about my life (I mean, that’s kind of what my blog is about though lol) but I’m gonna try to get on a more lighthearted foot again. I mean I’m starting a new adventure! Good things are bound to arise soon!
Love you. Mean it!0