Well, for those of you that may not know, Fotki was basically my IG account for my natural hair back in the day lol.
Fotki was a place where you could upload photos, mainly like albums and make prints, share your albums, and whatnot. A place, really for TRUE photographers to share their work. It’s not necessarily Instagram in this day and age, but it’s just an alternative image sharing website.
I had it WAY back when I first went natural, maybe even a bit earlier. So possibly around 2008-ish? I went natural in April 2009. It was a two day event lol.
THEY DELETED MY ACCOUNT!
They used to have free accounts, and I guess sometime back in 2015, they decided to eliminate all free accounts and make it a paid website which… ok, I get it. But MAN!
It actually really broke my heart to know that all my old photos of my hair in it’s prime glory, all 1 inches of afro… were done away with.
I had my photos saved on an external hard drive that messed up so I was kind of relying on having my fotki account to be able to go back and surf through those old photos. =/
Man… it got me in a moment. Cause, in a way… those were precious memories. To me anyways. Cutting my hair off 10 years ago was BIG DEAL. And to cut it down so short that I could barely twist it?! Haaaa…
I don’t know, I got to thinking about Life and how we go and create so many memories a day. Til if you don’t write them down or record them… it’s almost like it never happened.
Especially in this day and age where if it’s only a thought, it doesn’t exist. I don’t know, here lately I’ve just been scared about… losing.
Just losing things in general. People, opportunities, MY MIND. I’m only a quarter of the way through life and thinking about the future just riddles me with anxiety. It makes me want to cry. Do you ever get like that?
Just get to a place where you’re going back and grading your life based on what you can remember? So what happens in the next 50 or 80 years if I can’t remember anything?
It just goes to show just how much loss I’ve experienced over the years. And it’s been a LOT. What with moving around constantly, I just don’t have a real sense of stability and now it’s FINALLY beginning to show through my own self-sabotaging efforts. How long it takes for me to get comfortable.
The fact that I finally feel like decorating my house after living here for a YEAR says all you need to know about how flighty I am. I’m just always prepared to move and I hardly give myself a chance to enjoy.
With everything going stir fry crazy now, it just makes me realize in a painful way how much I’ve auto-piloted so many years of my life. And it’s just such a wasteful way to live.
But was it really wasteful though? Because I can’t forget that through all those years of auto-piloting, my mentality was also different. And I guess you could say that because of what I experienced, it has made me who I am today. And I have to say I really love who I am! But I wouldn’t necessarily be this person had it not been for the experiences Life handed me (more like beat me with lol).
It’s such a bittersweet circle I run around in. I want to go back and relive the past 10 years of my life as who I am now. But without the 10 years that I have already lived… I wouldn’t be this person. I had to break through a lot of mental barriers, especially in the last 5 or so years.
Finding self-love hasn’t been an easy road. And I don’t think it’s ever an easy road for anyone. Because in order to love yourself more fully, you have to come to terms with the things you’re most insecure about.
And loving your own insecurities isn’t second nature… at least not for the majority of us. So it takes time.
I guess this is also a big part of my irritation with this trend of a purely functional-based life. At it’s core, it makes sense. Don’t live above your means, that should go without saying.
But this race to be the cheapest, most minimal simplistic person just seems like a race to the bottom in my eyes. And I guess I see it that way because I’m currently trying to dig my way OUT of such a lifeless, settled existence.
At the heart of it, what I’m looking for is BALANCE. Balance in fun and functionality. And at one point, I HAD IT…. I had it figured out and was on my way!…
I have no idea what happened and why I’m so out of sorts now…
Wait a minute,
what were we talking about again?
Dang Fotki… Go digital they said. It’s so much EASIER they said. It has failed me TWICE in trying to maintain my memories. At least twice that are the most impacting.
I don’t know why this bothers me so much now, though.
I mean, Fotki did this sweep over 5 years ago… and NOW I want to cry about it? I guess because I’m going through a phase of just trying find myself AGAIN for like the umpteenth time in history! And it just helps to go back and relive some of the good memories and…heal some of the bad.
I still have a few photos from my big chop. I’ll have to dig around to try and find them, but I know they’re around.
That was it. Just a little pissed off about that FOTKI! -_-”
Love you. Mean it!