I think it’s all finally starting to hit me.
Today I got started on calling up all of my new providers and getting those services turned on. And the setups so far are going well. My internet will be easy to transfer, I skipped a deposit for my electric provider and my water provider seems nice.
Everything is going good… but suddenly, I’m just feeling so much anxiety.
I haven’t even received my first bill yet and I’m already panicking that I won’t be able to pay it. That the utilities for a house will be ten times as much as I pay in my apartment.
Then just… being in a house. Not being able to be on a higher floor. Will I need a beefed up security system? What will it be like to be in a house again? Lawn maintenance. I mean… these were things I thought about, but now they’re just overwhelming me.
My moving day is this Friday.
It just feels like everything has been a blur up until now. And honestly, when I go back and look at some of the videos I took in the house… I feel at peace. It’s like I just can’t WAIT to step foot in there and make it mine.
Then a small part of me wonders if, financially, I’ll actually be able to make it mine? Will it be like the first year I was here in my apartment? Struggling and finding it SO hard to make ends meet?
Until I wonder, is it all even WORTH it? Should I just have stayed put? What… really… am I even doing?
And WHY do I DO these things?
… I just… wanted better. ;(
I just wanted better.
These past two years have just been some of the most troublesome years and it makes me feel like I just can’t get away from it. There’s just always a problem, always an issue, always a drastic change. And especially recently, I just haven’t had any time IF any to just be… at PEACE.
For someone that doesn’t have a spouse or kids or massive debt, it sure feels like I have a lot on my plate. I care for a lot of people and I feel obligated to do a lot of things for everybody… except me.
Man, my boundaries have just been overtaken and crushed and I just haven’t had a solid peace of mind. I feel chaotic on the inside and I’m not sure how to really explain it. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to explain it.
The only thing I can DO is just be there for EVERYONE.
I feel like I just regressed… AGAIN. The zest for life that I was gaining was just immediately put out.
And I think that’s a big part of the reason I chose to move into this house. It made me feel that “zest” again. All last week, all I could think about was everything I planned on doing once I moved.
I wanted to start back crocheting again, writing again. Now that I had a quieter space to focus, I wanted to start reading again! Styling my hair like I used to, cooking and baking and creating my fashion sense. Playing with make up, the ideas just kept coming one after another!
Thinking about moving made me sooo happy.
But now… all of a sudden… I mean I still feel happy, but I’m also starting to feel the weight. The weight of not just being in an apartment where a LOT of those background tasks are done for you. I’ll be in a house where a lot more of the duties will fall on my shoulder.
I don’t know WHY I’m so nervous about this. I guess I just don’t want to be making even MORE dumb decisions due to my inability to be patient. Or to grow thick skin?
And yeah, this isn’t the time nor place to be complaining about this when other people are going through so much more and while I get that. I completely understand that. That still doesn’t detract from the anxiety I feel.
Nobody has to read this article. Clevermynd was created solely for my need to TALK. Not to understand everybody else. Trust me, I do that almost endlessly in my everyday life.
But yeah, that’s beside the point. I’m just worried overall, and feeling like maybe this was a dumb decision. Is it really, though? I mean I can only see SO far ahead of me, I’m not sure if it’s as dumb as I think.
I’m pretty sure I felt the same kind of anxiety when I first moved into my apartment. Living on my own was a completely new experience for me.
And I pretty much nailed that!
Now I’ll be moving on my own with just a few more responsibilities and a LOT more benefits (imo). I can do this…
I can do this.
Love you. Mean it!